Walking Alone
by Noil
Summary: James Potter realises that all others are insignificant... it is only Lily that matters. Only her. Please read and review.
1. 1

Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction is in no way connected with or endorsed by J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros and does not wish to make any sort of profit from this fanfiction. Ownership to characters in the Harry Potter books is neither claimed nor implied. All original content and material belongs to the author of this fanfiction and so therefore any reproduction of this text without the author's consent is prohibited.

**Walking Alone**

Chapter 1

"You did what?" Sirius was shocked.

I was remembering the shocked and crushed look in her eyes, and each time I did my wretchedness doubled. Immediately, I went on the defensive. "She started it."

Sirius sighed. "James," when he called me by my first name I knew that he was either furious with me, or had some infinite wisdom to part, "they _always_ start it." He was talking to me like I was a child. "But that doesn't mean you use Potter's putting-down procedure on every girl you're fighting." He shook his head in amazement. "What I can't get is that it still works… after all these years. And I thought you'd turned over a new leaf."

"What was I supposed to do? She said she'd take the matter to Dumbledore!"

Sirius looked thoughtfully at me for a while. "You know Prongs," he said this slowly and carefully, "wouldn't it just be better to…" for the first time in my life I saw him hesitate, "… you know since she did say there was no way in hell she would go out with you… the smart thing to do is to leave her alone, isn't it?"

Let me take you back a few hours.

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I knew there was something different about Lily the moment I first saw her; something different about her thick red hair, and those intense green eyes… I couldn't help being fascinated by her in that first instance.

And yet, for the first four years I ignored her totally and utterly. She was nothing to me. There were enough girls who were crazy about me – I did not need to go after the one who wasn't. But then, I started to notice her and this difference between her and other girls her age made her to me more desirable than any other thing I had ever wanted. She wasn't like other girls. I placed her far above them – and so gradually I fell in love with her in our fifth year. And believe me, when a fifteen year old boy thinks he's 'in love', then it's serious. While other boys 'fancied' girls, I was totally and utterly, head over heels in love with Lily Evans. How could I have possibly resisted the inevitable?

Let me tell you the whole story.

I was walking to lunch when I saw her ahead of me. She was alone. Lily was a loner. Sure she had friends, but I knew that she didn't feel like she belonged with anybody. Her thoughts and feelings and views were so vastly different from other girls her age. She was… mature really.

It was late afternoon. The next trip to Hogsmede had been announced, and as usual I was the first to ask her if I could accompany her to the village. This was in our seventh year, and for the past two or so years, Lily had been refusing me.

"Evans, hi!"

And immediately Lily sighed. I was slightly put off by her less-than-warm welcome.

She looked up at me – I was taller than her.

"What do you want Potter?" She made no move, not even moving aside on the path – as politeness dictated – so that we could walk side by side. As it was, I was left walking slightly behind her – following her – like a dog. The thought angered me slightly.

"Um…" now that I thought about it, I had no idea what to say. All that Sirius had told me – something about roses and eye colours – had fled my mind, and as I walked, looking like an idiot, I mentally kicked myself.

"Well?"

On an impulse, I stepped forward and pushed her gently to one side so that I could walk beside her. She glared frostily at me, then looking at the ground, she started to walk faster. I kept up with her easily. I could tell she was irritated by her height compared to mine. I smiled.

As I looked at her, I found myself fascinated. I could hardly keep my eyes off her. Her thick, red hair fell down and across her shoulders as she walked. It hid her face. Leaning forwards slightly, I looked at her green eyes, and there was a pleasurable squirm in my stomach as I did so.

Lily, throughout all this, had been looking at me through the corner of her eyes. She had seen me lean forward, and look at her face. Uneasily, she still pretended to ignore me.

Finally, after this had gone on for several seconds, she broke the silence.

"Potter _what_ do you want? Stop bothering me!" This was rather unfair, since I hadn't actually _said_ anything to annoy her.

"Want to go with me?" I was trying to sound casual – like I didn't care how much her answer meant to me. Of course, I probably sounded desperate.

Lily stopped, spun around and glared at me. I liked a lot of things about her. Her thick red hair, her intelligence, her stubbornness… but then there were those eyes… those beautiful green eyes… I would admit many times to myself: sometimes, I would irritate her just to see those eyes fire up. And as she glared at me, and told me off or insulted me – or gave me a piece of her mind for that matter – I would secretly… inwardly enjoy the whole thing. Nothing could beat watching her. There was something about the animation that danced in her eyes when she was angry or excited… Did I mind? Not at all. I could have those eyes staring at me all day long and still not mind. "You know how many times you've asked me that Potter?"

Of course I did. Each rejection was stamped across my mind like the crosses stamped on my Potions' homework. "By my count, this should be the sixth time."

"Exactly; and I'm sure someone with your great intellectual capacity should be able to figure out something those other five times have in common?"

Of course I knew what they had in common. I wasn't going to say it though. I still had my dignity. I acted puzzled. "What?"

She heaved an exasperated sigh. Like I knew she would. I knew her – know her – you see. In our fifth year I had no idea about her… the only thing I could think of then was myself. But all that staring at her in Potions had made her familiar to me, and two years later, I knew her with great awareness. "I refused, Potter. I said 'no.' Do you really think this time it's going to be any different?" She started to walk away, but I followed. It wasn't going to be any different. I knew that as well. Despite her best efforts to make me look thick, I wasn't. I cannot be faulted for trying though can I?

"Oh come on Evans." Why did I call her Evans? I suppose because as long as I'd known her she'd called me Potter and I'd called her Evans. It was instinctive really.

"No!" She shouted back to me (causing a few passers-by to be surprised). Professor McGonagall passed us by, with a mischievous smile playing about her stern – and usually expressionless – face. Of course… nearly everybody in the school knew of our 'encounters.'

"Why?"

"What do you mean Potter?"

"Oh slow down!" I ran to keep up with her, my long strides reaching her in no time. She looked sideways at me, her green eyes observing me. There was a silence as she promptly and all too palpably ignored me. And when this happened, I always asked her one thing.

"So where are you headed?"

And she would always reply: "Away from you." This time it caused a young third year Slytherin to burst out into laughter. I wanted to go and curse him into smithereens, but settled for memorising his face for later retribution.

I was hurt. She didn't know how much it upset me when she said this. It always made me feel like I was a rodent… and that Lily couldn't stand being near me.

I covered it up with a smile.

"No, seriously?"

"Yes Potter. I was serious."

I became slightly angry. I was being nice! "What's the matter with you, Evans? Can't you hold a decent conversation?"

She shook with silent laughter. "Of course I can Potter. Ask anybody. Just not with you." I was left standing there, wondering why she'd left and why she was being like this. A moment later, however, I ran up once again to catch up with her.

"Why are you like this to me Evans? What have I ever done to you?"

Suddenly, a sly smile came to her face. "Well," she said, and after a deliberate pause continued, "it's more the fact that you exist, if you know what I mean…"

"Ouch Evans." I grimaced as I remembered my very own words from nearly one and a half years ago. I'd been so arrogant and big-headed then… Of course, Snape _did_ sort of deserve it. She didn't know the amount of times he'd done something similar to _me_. And it wasn't even as if I hated Snape… well maybe I did. But it wasn't like the feeling wasn't entirely mutual. Snape would curse me to hell if he ever got the chance. I didn't doubt that. Some of the things I'd heard about Snape… about the amount of Dark Arts he knew… it was enough to give you nightmares.

"Exactly." With a knowing smile, she again went ahead of me.

"What? What? I'm not like that anymore! Evans! Oi! Stop walking so fast! You'll set the bloody floor on fire!"

"Language Potter," said a passing Professor Flitwick. I flushed.

"Sorry sir."

"I should hope you are."

Lily was breathing a sigh of relief when I suddenly appeared beside her.

She stopped and turned to me, looking at me directly, her green eyes piercing me. "Potter, why are you stalking me?"

I was shocked. Stalking? I wasn't stalking. Merely trying to hold a conversation. "I'm not stalk–"

"Then what would you call it? I've gave you my answer. Stop following me."

"Evans, tell me why you don't want to go with me?"

"I already have Potter."

"Be serious Evans."

"I _am_ perfectly serious Potter," there came into her voice a dangerous edge and I stepped back involuntarily. "Just leave me alone ok? I don't understand why you don't understand the fact that there is _no_ way… no way in _hell_… that _I_ would ever go out with _you_!"

I looked at her silently. There was nothing I could say to that. It was all too obvious…

Uneasily, she looked away and walked on. I grabbed her hand.

"Evans just give me a chance!" I was aggravated.

"Let go off me Potter!" She struggled against my hold, but I held her tighter.

"Please…" there was almost desperation in my voice, but she snatched her hand away.

"Potter, if this goes on any further, I am going straight to Professor Dumbledore. Do you understand?"

I was stunned. This was all wrong. I'd never seen her like this… so angry.

But finally my temper snapped. "No I don't understand _Evans_!"

"Oh really?" Her eyes were narrowed dangerously. Everybody was skirting around us on the path, with downcast eyes. When the Head Boy and Head Girl were having a fight, it was best to get out of the way… quickly.

"Yeah!"

She put her hands on her hips, all the while glaring at me. I stared right back.

"Then let me make it perfectly clear to you _Potter_," she hissed, stepping forward. "If you don't leave me alone, and by that I mean if you don't stop talking to me every chance you get and asking me out, I swear…" there was a tremor in her voice, and her cheeks were flushed, "I swear that I will go to Dumbledore and tell him _everything_."

"Oh and I can't just… um _deny_ it?" I snapped back.

She faltered. Only for a second though. "And you think he'll believe your word over mine?"

This time I was the one who hesitated. As I looked at her – she was to me at that moment the most appealing thing in the world with her vivacious eyes and her reddened cheeks – I knew that there really wasn't any hope. She would never feel for me what I did for her. She was stubborn. More than even I realised. And like she'd said, there was no way she would go out with me. The past couple of years should have taught me that. I should have realised it sooner. But like an idiot I'd been chasing her when really there hadn't been any hope. The thought made me feel like my heart was braking, and as I looked at her staring defiance at me, I visibly sagged, defeated. She'd won.

"Alright Evans. Alright." But then, as I thought about it, another surge of anger coursed through me. "You are the cruellest, most heartless person I know. God forbid I ever talk to you without necessity again!" I hissed. Perhaps it was a tad bit too dramatic. What could I do? I was caught up in the moment. My emotions were all over the place, and anger was still rushing through me. I gritted my teeth, and then I did what I should never have done. I utterly and totally dismissed her. Even now as I think about what I did, I groan.

You see, I still had an arrogant streak in me. And over the past seven years, I had perfected what Sirius called "Potter's putting-down procedure." I'll admit, the coined cliché does sound a bit pathetic, but believe me it is perfectly justifiable. As I looked down at Lily and into her eyes, contempt entered mine and I turned away from her, with such arrogance and conceit that I am utterly ashamed of it now. I then stalked away from her, my head held high. It was one of the most disgusting things you can do: while in a conversation – no matter how heated – turning away from the other person as if they are so far beneath you that they are not even worth being talked at by you. Utterly repulsive.

However, I stopped after a few strides, and turned. I couldn't help it. It was like each step I took was ripping me to shreds. She was staring at me, with shock and tears in her eyes. But as soon as I stopped and met her eyes again, she picked up her bag – it had fallen when she had put her hands on her hips – and walked off, her head down, not looking around her.

I felt… awful, and so totally abhorred myself at that moment that I cannot find the word to describe the intense self-hatred I felt.

I followed her every movement with my eyes. I knew that she knew that I was looking at her. Although one as stubborn as her wasn't going to show any sign of it. A silent battle of wills call it if you will. I lost. A few minutes later I was still looking at the place where she had disappeared around the corner

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WELL, I wasn't one of those people who held their feelings to themselves. So I went straight to Sirius and told him everything.

I was disconcerted. If Padfoot – an already infamous womaniser – told me I had no chance, then why should I think differently? We were in the common room, in a corner. I turned away from him, and sighed, putting my head in my hands in frustration. Sirius remained silent.

"I can't!" I looked up at him.

"What?" He regarded me curiously.

"I can't just leave her."

Padfoot shook his head sadly. "Why not?"

"I… I…"

Suddenly, his tone turned serious. "You really like her don't you Prongs?" he asked me. I nodded miserably. "Then tell her."

"But you should have seen her Padfoot," I moaned, "I told her she was heartless. And when I turned around to look at her, I could just see she was absolutely crushed." I groaned out load at my stupidity. "I can't even speak to her anymore. She won't even look at me. It's like I don't exist for her."

Sirius whistled. "You've got yourself in deep Potter."

I nodded despondently. "I know."

There was a silence as each of us thought his own thoughts. Suddenly I asked Sirius: "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" he replied absent-mindedly.

"How do you have half the girls in the school crazy for you?"

Sirius shrugged, and then grinned. "I turn on the old Black charm…" he muttered.

"Oh? And what's that?" I asked him genuinely curious.

"'The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black,' he quoted bitterly, "you know what the family motto is?" he continued not waiting for an answer, "'Toujours Pur.'"

I stayed silent.

"'Always Pure.'" He spat out. "You know how much that sickens me Prongs?" I nodded.

Sirius' life was a – in one word – tragedy. He hated his family, a feeling they returned manifold. He didn't follow their 'pureblood' doctrine, you see, and for this they had disowned him, much to his delight. That's why he stayed with my family and me, not that my parents or I minded… at all.

"So tell me Padfoot, what's the 'old Black charm?'" I asked him to lighten the mood.

He smiled, and replied: "There isn't one. I lied. The only reason people like my family is because they're stinking rich, ancient and totally 'pure.'"

"So that's why all the girls like you?"

He grinned again. "No Prongs. I said there wasn't a Black charm. I didn't say that _I_ didn't have my own charm."

I snorted, disbelievingly. "I'm not the only one who needs to turn over a new leaf."

"Oh come on Prongs. It's not like I'm insatiably attractive to womankind on purpose."

I looked at him incredulously. "Oh really?"

"Yes really," he smirked, "it's natural. They see me and it's love at first sight."

I leaned over and snapped my fingers in front of his eyes. "Oh wake up Padfoot! You're dreaming."

We both quickly sobered.

"Well Prongs. What can I say? But you're Head Boy, and she's Head Girl. Don't you have meetings together and stuff like that?"

"Yeah we do. But they're always with a teacher, Dumbledore or McGonagall or somebody like that, and then she goes off straight after it's finished."

He was silent for a few moments and I imagined I could just see and hear the cogs turning in his head. "This is what you're going to do. Listen carefully," he leaned forward, and so did I, "in your next meeting write her a note to stay behind after everybody's left, but don't sign it. If she knows it's you she won't listen. And when you're alone, pour your heart out to her."

"Huh?" I stared open-mouthed at him. "_That's_ your suggestion?"

He sighed. "Trust me Prongs. Tell her how sorry you are and all that rubbish."

"I dunno, Padfoot."

"Oh come on James. It'll work! Believe me I know. The amount of girls I've won over using this… it's fool-proof."

"But…"

"But what?"

"She's different Sirius."

"Oh that's what every boy thinks about the girl he likes. Trust me." His expression and tone turned serious, "when have something I've ever said gone wrong?" There was a silence. And then both of us burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of the statement.

I quickly sobered. "This is our last year here, Padfoot. She still thinks I'm arrogant and big-headed."

"How do you know?"

"Remember just after we did our Defence Against the Dark Arts OWL? And we went out by the lake, and we saw Snivel– _Snape_, and all the things we did to him?" Sirius nodded. "And she asked me why I was doing what I was doing. She asked me what Snape had ever done to me. And I rep–"

"You said that it was more the fact that he was alive or something like that!" Sirius burst out laughing once again. "That was brilliant!"

"Exactly. Well she said the same thing to me this afternoon. It's like she still thinks I'm the conceited bighead I was in our fifth year."

"You have to prove to her you're not James. And call her by her first name, not 'Evans.' And look into her eyes when you're talking with her, and do not under any circumstances," his voice was more serious than I'd ever heard it, "do not under any circumstances start showing off or start spouting off your achievements because she's the sort of girl who doesn't like that sort of stuff."

I nodded. He stood up and started to move off, but as a parting shot said: "And remember she's a girl. They get emotional. If she starts shouting at you, you don't start shouting back. Understand?"

I nodded.

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IT looked fine to me. I'd tried to make the handwriting as elegant and neat as I could, and it could easily have been written by a teacher, I thought to myself, proudly. I showed it to Sirius.

_Miss Evans_

_Please stay behind after the end of the meeting. There is something I must tell you. I will not take up too much of your time._

"Not bad. Doesn't give away too much, and yet still has an air of mysteriousness about it. She'll stay behind – if not for anything else – to satisfy her curiosity." So that was that. Our next meeting was two days from now. I paced the common room wondering to myself how on earth I could wait that long. And all the while – in my dreams, in my waking moments, in lessons, at meal times – I could see a red-haired, green eyed, beautiful girl…


	2. 2

Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction is in no way connected with or endorsed by J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros and does not wish to make any sort of profit from this fanfiction. Ownership to characters in the Harry Potter books is neither claimed nor implied. All original content and material belongs to the author of this fanfiction and so therefore any reproduction of this text without the author's consent is prohibited.

Chapter 2

LILY had been ignoring me totally. We hadn't even made eye contact once. I was utterly miserable and dejected. At least before I could get a glare or a frown out of her. Now… absolutely nothing. The note had been cleverly slipped into her bag by Peter in the middle of Potions when Lily was too busy with her cauldron to notice. All day long, I had been wondering if she would stay behind. Truth to tell, I didn't think she would. As soon as she found out that I had written the note, she would leave. Besides, it was sort of obvious that I'd sent her the note. If a teacher wanted to see her then they could easily have called her to their classroom, rather than asking her to stay behind.

The meeting was going to be held in the Heads' room. This room belonged exclusively to the Head Boy and Head Girl. It was an enormous room, circular in shape. There were huge book cases (full of books) covering about three quarters of the wall. It had a large fireplace, comfortable sofas scattered around and a massive mahogany desk with deep and plush chairs where the Heads could discuss things that needed to be done. There was even a bathroom off to one side, which I had never used (although I'd seen the Prefects' bathroom once when Remus had given me the password to use it and I'd been astounded. This one was probably many times better).

When I entered Lily was alone. She stiffened as I came in, but otherwise there was no reaction from her. And then began one of the most awkward thirty minutes of my life. She wouldn't even look at me. I didn't try to talk to her. Everything could wait for after the meeting. Besides, I didn't have anything to say. What can you say to someone who you've accused of being cruel and heartless? And, since I had sworn an oath that I wouldn't talk to her again out of necessity, it would have been the height of indignity if I had broken that expletive within forty eight hours of its being uttered. So I followed her example and got on with some of my Potions homework. However, it was only a few minutes later that I gave up – I was hopeless at Potions and wondered every lesson how I had gotten into the NEWT class after the Potions OWL. Sirius or Remus always helped me with my Potions. I certainly couldn't do it alone and without a library to help me.

Lily was sitting at the desk and was getting on with some Charms homework. I'd heard that she was exceptionally talented at Charms. Just like I was at Transfiguration. She was practising a Flame Freezing Charm. I was on the sofa in front of the fire and could just see her from the corner of my eyes. Again I felt that pleasant squirm in my abdomen as I looked at her profile in admiration. She was using Bluebell flames, making them flutter and dance in midair as she practised the Freezing charm. Muttering words that I couldn't catch, she passed her hand through the flames without any obvious pain. She did this several times and each time her hand stayed in the flames longer than last time, and I imagined it must be tickling her (judging by the smile on her face). But then on one occasion, as she was passing her hand through the dancing flame, something went wrong and she cried out in pain.

Almost instinctively I leapt up and raced over to her. She was grasping her hand, her green eyes shut tightly against the pain. Bluebell flames – although really useful because they were portable – were about twice as hot as normal flames. You could get seriously hurt if you came into contact with them. As I raced towards her, I remembered once when I had been burnt with Bluebell flames. I'd been about nine, and my mother had some in a jar in my room – like a nightlight really. Curiosity, however, got the best of me, and I nearly ended up with no index finger.

I reached the desk, and took Lily's hand. She tried to pull it back from my grasp, her eyes still shut from the pain, but I kept hold. Differences aside, she was in pain.

"Stop it Evans. Let me help you. You're hurt," I spoke gently to her. Although I doubted whether she could hear me. As I looked at her hand in mine, I could see an ugly, red burn covering her palm. It was starting to blister. I pulled a chair over, and sat down. Lily's breaths were coming in short gasps. The pain she must be going through… I couldn't imagine.

"Evans. Evans!" She opened her eyes and looked at me. "Breath deeply."

There was a glass of water on the desk within arm reach. I pulled out my wand, and pulled the glass nearer to me. Concentrating, I turned the water into ice and then taking Lily's hand, I wrapped it around the glass. Almost immediately, the ice started to melt. For the next few minutes, I sat next to her, constantly turning the water into ice.

I looked up once, and found her green eyes regarding me. They were stunningly clear as she looked at me. But then almost immediately she looked away, and then taking her hand away from the ice, she looked at the wound. Pulling a handkerchief out of my pocket, I gave it to her, and then standing up went back to my Potions homework. It was a moment before she spoke.

"Thank you." Her voice was weak and hoarse, barely above a whisper. She was still probably in a lot of pain. And I looked at her sitting at the desk a few feet away from me. How vulnerable she looked. How delicate, how fragile. And yet, she hadn't cried. Not one tear had fallen. I admired her strength.

"You're welcome." I wanted to say more, much more. I wanted to fall on my knees in front of her. I wanted to ask for her forgiveness. But I couldn't.

Dumbledore and McGonagall arrived a few minutes later, just as Lily had finished wrapping her hand up.

We both stood up to greet them.

"Good evening Professors." I said politely, followed a moment later by Lily.

"Ah, good evening Mr Potter and Miss Evans. Please sit down." Dumbledore and McGonagall took two chairs on the far side of the desk. I came and sat opposite them, within a few feet of Lily.

They took a few moments to settle themselves in.

"Now," Dumbledore turned to the both of us, "We will not take up too much of your time. I realise you must have some homework you should be getting on with." We remained silent. The meeting continued.

Twenty minutes later, it was drawing to a close.

"It is up to you to make sure this happens. Lately, more and more rules are not being followed. Discipline has to be implemented," Dumbledore said.

Professor McGonagall nodded. "I saw a third year Slytherin walking in the second floor corridor at ten o clock yesterday. Unacceptable. As Head Boy and Girl you both need to make sure that the Prefects are carrying out their duties."

All I had done for the duration of the meeting was nod. I was a bundle of nervousness.

Finally Dumbledore and McGonagall stood up and bade us good night and left. As soon as the door closed, Lily silently began packing her bag, without once looking up at me. It was like I didn't exist.

I cleared my throat. What else could I do? I had no idea. Sirius had told me what to say to her if she waited behind. But she wasn't was she? She was packing her bags. And I had no clue how to start.

Lily finished putting her things in her bag and straightening up, she started for the door – still not looking at me. I was about to be left sitting in my chair all alone, looking like an idiot.

"Evans, wait."

She didn't slow down one bit. So I did the only thing I could think of. Pulling out my wand I quietly muttered: "_Claudo Ostium_." The door shut with a bang, and there was a click. It was now firmly locked. The only way to open it again would be to use my wand (since it was the one who cast the spell) and tap it three times. Moony's invention; ingenious.

"_Alohomora_… _Bombarda_…" I could hear the frustration in Lily's voice, but the door still remained shut. She turned slowly until she was facing me. There was defiance in her eyes. Her wand was still in her hand – the one that was hurt. She pointed it at me now, and said in a dangerous voice: "Open the door… _now_."

I'd forgotten most of what Sirius had told me. They say necessity is the mother of invention (what then was the father? I always wondered), and now as I sat with her wand pointing at me, my brain invented the perfect excuse. This would do. This would do very well.

"We need to talk Evans." My tone was slightly rough. I couldn't help myself. She was still looking rebelliously at me – her green eyes regarding me. I continued: "In a strictly professional capacity of course." She lowered her wand as she understood what I was saying. I could see I held her attention. So I carried on speaking: "What's going on in our private lives has got absolutely nothing to do with what happens in this room Evans. You're Head Girl and I'm Head Boy. If we don't talk then obviously things aren't going to be done. You heard Dumbledore and McGonagall just now. The Prefects are slacking. People aren't following rules… it's up to us to make sure that doesn't happen."

She came and sat back down. It was a start I supposed. At least she wasn't ignoring me now. There was a silence. And then I took a quill and some ink out of my bag, and grabbing a spare piece of parchment I looked back at her. "A list. We need to make a list about the things that need to be done." Lily sighed, finally recognising the inevitability of the situation.

"First things first: the prefects need to be sorted out." She was counting things off on her fingers, her eyes looking anywhere but me. I started to write what she was saying. "There are twenty two prefects in Hogwarts. And then there's you and me. That's twenty four," her tone was thoughtful, "so let's see. Prefects patrol the corridors in two's. So we need to divide Hogwarts up into twelve different areas, for each pair." I wrote it all down silently and then said:

"I'll do the dividing ok? I'll show it to you on Saturday to see if it's alright." She nodded. Still avoiding my eyes.

"And I'll make the pairs."

I inwardly groaned. The chances of her and me being in a pair were slim then. But I nodded anyway.

"So we'll have a meeting with the Prefects on Monday to tell them about this," she stood up once again to leave, "we also need to talk about punishments and the taking of points. Knowing some of the Slytherin Prefects…" her voice drifted off. "I'll do that."

I continued writing. She walked towards the door but then found it was locked. I jumped to my feet and quickly came over to her, still not meeting her eyes. The door sprang open after I'd tapped it three times with my wand. She slipped out of the door.

"Evans…" but then something Sirius has said came back to me. "Lily…" she stopped, waiting, her back to me. "I'm sorry." My voice was barely above a whisper and I poured all of my guilt and regret into it. I could see her shoulders begin to shake, and I had the urge to go and wrap my arms around her slim body and bury my head in her red hair and… just hold her. "I'm sorry." She turned to look at me, and I found my breath stop. There were tears in her eyes, and great wrenching pain as well. It was like she was being torn from the inside. Pushing me back inside the classroom, she shut the door behind her as she came in too. I was confused.

"How dare you Potter? How dare you call me heartless and then expect me to forgive you like that?" The tears were flowing freely now. I collapsed to the ground, the strength leaving my legs, and looked up at her, my own heart as heavy as lead as I felt her pain. I didn't have anything to say. "So you help me when I get hurt. I've thanked you. And just because I have you think that I have to forgive every wrong you've ever done? You know how arrogant that is?"

My head was reeling. This was all wrong. "No, Evans… you don't understand." I whispered.

"Don't understand what? What's there to understand?" She was nearly sobbing now. "And… I'm… I'm not heartless. I'm not cruel."

"I… I… don't think you are Ev–… Lily… I don't." My voice was quivering, and I was on the verge of tears myself. A few words from her had reduced me to a quivering mess. I was furious with myself. I struggled to my feet. And put a hand on her shoulder. She shook it off. "We… were… fighting." Each word was a struggle. It was like I was drained of all strength. I could barely stand. What was happening to me? "And… and… I got caught up… and said… said… that…" She still wouldn't look at me. "You… you see don't you Ev–… Lily? You won't even look at me now. You won't even… even give me a chance. I feel… I feel like you think I'm insignificant… that I don't matter… that I don't exist. And sometimes… sometimes… it's like you think I'm not… not worthy enough for you."

She turned to look at me now. I imagined I must have looked pale. Whatever it was, her eyes widened, and shaking a few strands of her fiery hair to one side, she wiped her tears. I managed to stagger over to a chair, and sank gratefully into it, feeling completely drained. Burying my head in my hands I groaned. "You think… you think I'm the same… the same big-headed, conceited Potter don't you… Lily?" Her silence said all. I looked up at her, and found that she had also sat down in chair across from me. There were tear streaks on her face, and she was looking at the grounds, her eyelashes casting shadows on her cheeks. I decided to tell her everything.

"I wrote the note Lily," saying her name wasn't so hard anymore. She looked up at me, her eyes full of intensity. "I… I wanted to apologise. I would have gotten down on my knees if need be. I would have done anything because… because I couldn't bear the way you looked at me after… after I walked away from you." She still remained silent. "Say something." I whispered. Wiping my eyes, I stood up and retrieved my wand – it had fallen when I had collapsed to the ground. Then I returned to my seat and looked at her. She had still not said anything. There was a silence that lasted several minutes. I sat absolutely still.

"You know why I say 'no' every time Potter?" she said suddenly, breaking the silence. I shook my head, looking at my clasped hands. "Because as far as I know you still are big-headed and… and conceited."

There were so many things I wanted to say to her. "Why?" was all I could whisper. She sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose with the tips of her fingers. Suddenly, I realised how tired Lily looked. The thought shocked me.

"You alright?" I asked her. She looked up at me, surprised.

"Oh what would be the use? She whispered to herself.

"Lily…" she looked up. I dragged the chair nearer to her, and took both of her hands in my own. They were smaller than mine and fitted perfectly in them. We were made for each other. Her fingers were long and graceful, and clean. Such feminine, delicate and slender hands. She stiffened. I looked straight into her eyes. "Listen to me. One chance. That's all I'm asking for. One chance." She said nothing. "If I still disappoint you, then you've got every right to think of me as you want and I'll… I'll leave you alone I promise, but please… please give me one chance Lily." My voice was barely a whisper. I could see her green eyes measuring my own. "I'm not asking you to go out with me. But… give me a chance to be… to be your friend. To know you. To talk to you. To walk with you. And maybe, you could help me with my Potions." This brought a smile to her face. And then she said the word that meant the most to me in the world:

"Okay."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

**Author's Note**: I didn't know where to include this, so I finally decided that this would be the place. Anyhow, some very observant person has pointed out that the Flame Freezing Charm is painless, and so Lily should not have been hurt. However, I read back to the passage regarding this, and I found out that I can give two answers to this query:

First of all: "She was **_practising_** a Flame Freezing Charm." This means that Lily is practising the Charm; she is not adept at it. When she gets burnt, she has merely cast the charm wrongly.

Secondly: "She was using **_Bluebell flames_**, making them flutter and dance in midair as she practised the Freezing charm… Bluebell flames – although really useful because they were portable – were about **_twice as hot as normal flames._**" I must have looked ahead and anticipated this problem, and sine JKR tells us nothing about the characteristics of Bluebell flames, I used a little of my own incentive and made them much hotter than usual flames; so that if anything _were_ to go wrong, then Lily would be badly brunt.

So not only is she _practising_ the charm, she is also using twice-as-hot Bluebell flames… thus doubling the chance of anything going wrong.

Acute observation though!


	3. 3

Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction is in no way connected with or endorsed by J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros and does not wish to make any sort of profit from this fanfiction. Ownership to characters in the Harry Potter books is neither claimed nor implied. All original content and material belongs to the author of this fanfiction and so therefore any reproduction of this text without the author's consent is prohibited.

Chapter 3

I love flying. Always have. In Hogwarts I had a Nimbus 1350, the fastest one at the time. It had taken me absolutely ages to save up for it, but I'd been ecstatic when I had first ridden it. On this particular afternoon, I had been flying alone for about an hour, weaving in and out of the empty Quidditch pitch, winding my way around the goal posts, and making dives and then pulling out at the last second.

You could say that I was happier then than I'd ever been in my life. Everything was perfect. I was doing well at work (even my Potions had improved somewhat), Lily had finally given me a chance after years and years of fruitless effort on my part, it was a glorious morning and whatsisname Voldemort had nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Winding my way around the goalpost one final time, I looked up to catch one final glimpse of the castle and the surrounding grounds. As I did so, I saw a flash of red hair winding its way among some trees towards the castle. Lily. A smile came unbidden to me. Perfect.

I rushed off towards her.

"Lily!" I shouted to her. She turned, and my heart beat faster to see a smile on her face. Although the sun was shining in a cloudless sky, it was a chilly and cold morning. Thankfully there was no wind. Lily was wrapped up well; she had on heavy grey robes, gloves and a red scarf wrapped around her neck. The frostiness had brought redness to her cheeks, and in the clear morning her animated eyes sparkled, making her look… simply exquisite. I tried not to stare.

Now, normally I would have done something to 'foolishly and needlessly emphasise my skill at flying' (as McGonagall once put it when I had done two u-turns in midair to land perfectly on my feet in front of a crowd of admiring fans), but this time, I settled for a perfectly normal landing. Holding my broom with one hand (I also had gloves on; flying higher up gets very cold), I walked towards her. To my delight, she had been waiting for me.

"Hello!" I exclaimed while I was still a few feet away from her, "wonderful morning, isn't it?" She nodded.

"Hi. Yeah, it's a good day." We walked on in companionable silence. I fell into thought, staring at the beauty of a British landscape around me.

"You like flying?" Startled, I was brought out of my reverie by Lily's unexpected question. I looked up to find her eyes observing me.

"Absolutely! It's wonderful! The best!" My enthusiasm brought another smile to her lips. I continued: "It's amazing. You have to try it! The feel of the wind in your air, and the… the sense of freedom. I can't explain it. You can leave all your worldly troubles behind for a short time and just… just fly!" She must have caught on that I was having trouble explaining the wonders of riding a broom.

"Worldly troubles? Come on, we're still in school. What worldly troubles?"

Unwillingly, my face darkened. "You'd be surprised." I said quietly. She looked away and then asked:

"How long have you been flying?"

I thought for a moment. "Years. When I was four… no… five… when I was five I rode my first broom, the Cleansweep three. It was about thirty years old, but I loved it! Ever since then, I've been riding. Don't you like it?" Lily blushed in embarrassment. And then shook her head.

"I'm… scared of heights." She looked away, her cheeks crimson. I stopped.

"Really?" The thought was so unexpected. Lily Evans scared of heights? She could face immense pain, live through the Slytherins' insults, teach people older than her a good few things about Charms that they'd never heard of… and yet… she was scared of heights?

"But… you're missing out on so much," she had stopped too, and was fidgeting with her gloves, still not looking at me. "Do you want me to teach you?" I said this before thinking, and this time it was my turn to be embarrassed.

"Thanks… but no." I looked up at her.

"Come on Lily, it's an amazing thing! You'll thank me." She smiled again and then shook her head. I let it go, and we carried on walking.

"Oh, I've just remembered, I had to tell you something," I rubbed my temples. "I met Professor Dumbledore in the seventh floor corridor yesterday, near the statue of Lachlan the Lanky and he said that everything was much better, and things had improved a lot. He congratulated us."

Would you believe that Lily and I were in a pair? What I mean is, I thought that there was no way that she would ever have arranged it so that she and I would be together at night when we were patrolling the corridors. But we were. Apparently, she'd said (embarrassed, all the while looking away), that this was the best arrangement that she could think off, and that otherwise I'd have to be with a fifth year Slytherin. I didn't complain. In fact… I was delighted.

Lily looked relived. "Well, at least that's off our chests."

I was puzzled. "What?"

She looked up at me. "I looked at some records. Would you believe it that this year has the most detentions and essays and lines given out so far since eighteen thirty five? Apparently, there was this Headmaster… what was his name… Nigellus… or something like that…"

"Phineas Nigellus," I finished for her.

"How do you know?"

I smiled involuntarily. "He's Padfoot's… Sirius' great-great-grandfather. Sirius often tells me that he's the least popular Headmaster that Hogwarts has ever had. Worse even than Phyllida Jigger in the fifteen hundred's… and she banned Quidditch for a year!" Lily laughed and I smiled, delighted at having made her do so. We were nearly at the castle now.

"Padfoot. Why do you call each other those names?" Lily asked, "Padfoot, Prongs, Moony and… I don't know Peter's."

"Wormtail."

"Wormtail?" Lily wrinkled her nose, "who called him that?"

"He named himself."

"He's a strange person." She shook her head in wonder, and then sank into silence.

"Nah. Peter's alright, once you get to know him. He's very loyal and trustworthy." Lily nodded absent-mindedly, still in thought. Suddenly: "Remus is a werewolf isn't he?"

For a moment I did not register what she had said. When I did, however, there was nothing I could say. How on earth did she know? I suppose my silence must have given her the answer that she needed. She smiled. "He is."

I miserably denied it. "No…" it was a feeble attempt, I know. But what else could I have said? She smiled all the more wickedly, her green eyes coming alive mischievously. I caught her hands and looked into her eyes. "Please don't tell anyone, Lily. They'll all start treating him like he's not a human." My tone was earnest and pleading.

"I won't. I've sort of known for a bit," she said seriously. I still held her hand, and as we stood there looking at each other I got such a strong sense of déjà vu that I was momentarily dumbfounded. I'd been here before hadn't I? I'd held her hands and I'd looked at her like this, in this very place? Hadn't I? Truth of the matter was that I had no idea when.

"Lily…" I whispered, totally fascinated and held by her intense and clear gaze. It was a moment before I realised what was happening. One chance, that's all I had. I couldn't ruin that one chance. So I let her hands slip. "Sorry." She said nothing. We continued walking. In a while she spoke again.

"You haven't answered my question?"

I looked over to her, confused. "What question?"

"The nicknames?"

"Oh right…" I tried to think of a witty response. "Well… um… ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies…" She smiled and didn't press the question anymore.

"So what about you? Do you have a nickname?"

Lily thought a while. "No. I don't."

"Oh come on. You must have."

"No I don't," she protested, smiling. "You can't exactly shorten 'Lily' can you?" I hadn't thought about this.

"Yeah… I sort of see your point." We were inside the castle. "We have Charms next don't we?"

"Yeah. In ten minutes. I'm going up to the common room to get my bag."

I grinned. The entrance to the Gryffindor common room was on the seventh floor. "And I have to leave my broom." She smiled again. I was falling in love with Lily's smile. It was so genuine. When she smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkled up, and it seemed that the smiled entered her eyes as well. She was one of those people who smiled with their eyes, and I was livid with myself that I had missed out on six years… _six years_ of her smiles…

"You don't have any brothers or sisters do you Lily?"

A shadow passed across her face. I was puzzled. "I do."

Now a girl would have known that this was the time to stop asking. But I, a male, in my infinite wisdom, was absolutely delighted that she was finally telling me a bit about herself, and so carried on inquiring: "I haven't seen her around."

"She's not a witch." Lily's voice was quiet.

"Oh, right. So you have a sister. Any others?"

She shook her head: a negative. "I don't have any. I'm an only child; though Sirius lived with me for a bit." She looked up, surprised.

"He did?"

"Didn't I tell you?" I blurted this out without realising. Of course I hadn't told her! When would I have told her? When she was shouting at me? Bloody hell! I mentally kicked myself. She was still waiting expectantly for me to continue. "Sirius' parents – his whole family actually – are one of the most ancient, _pure_ and powerful families in the wizarding world. The Blacks. Nearly every pure-blood wizard has some relation to them. You know Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa Black? They're his cousins. And even the Weasleys – you wouldn't think they'd have anything to do with such a racist family like the Blacks – are related to them. Arthur Weasley is Sirius's second cousin once removed or something like that." I realised that I was drifting away from the matter.

"What I'm trying to say is that the Blacks are really crazy about the whole 'pure-blood' dogma. They believe that witches and wizards are of a different race than Muggles; the wizarding race. You must have heard recently about the campaign to classify Muggles as 'beasts.' Well, that was orchestrated by the Blacks. They think that they're the best sorts of wizards and witches because they're absolutely _pure_ – no intermingling with Muggles for them. They're family motto is '_Toujours pur_' which means 'Always Pure,'" disgust involuntarily entered my voice. "But Sirius doesn't agree with them at all. So last year, in our sixth year, when he was sixteen, things got along so far, that he ran away from home – although he'd never thought of it that way; that place was like hell to him – and came to live with my parents and me. He's rich enough on his own though, and a few months ago he bought his own house, using some money one of his uncles gave him. Of course, his parents couldn't tolerate that – I mean he was sorted into Gryffindor, unlike Bellatrix and Narcissa; they're in Slytherin – and so they disowned him and blasted his name of the family tree."

Lily looked shocked. "Wow…" her voice was a whisper.

I nodded wisely. "Yeah…"

We continued walking in silence, climbing up a set of stairs. "I'll tell you something though," I said in a confidential tone, leaning closer to her. "And this is something only I know. Even Padfoo– Sirius doesn't realise it. You can tell what frame of mind he's in. When he's unhappy and depressed he lets his hair grow long. But when he's happy and things are going well, then he keeps it short." Lily looked at me unbelievingly. "No really, he does."

"So Sirius doesn't agree with his family about purity in blood?" Lily asked me enquiringly.

"Not at all." I said this quietly. "He wouldn't have been in Gryffindor otherwise. Neither do I. I'm supposedly a '_pureblood_.' My parents are both non-Muggles. But it doesn't make a difference to me at all. Does it really matter if you've got Muggle parents? I mean, some Muggle-born wizards and witches have achieved some really amazing things. Take Quidditch for example. The first world cup was held in 1473, and in the final game all seven hundred known fouls happened. A Muggle-born wizard was responsible for six hundred and fifty two of those, a record that's _still_ unbeaten! I mean he came off looking like one giant bruise, but that doesn't happen very often." Lily laughed again and I grinned.

"So what about you Lily?"

"What about me?" She looked at me curiously.

"Aren't you going to tell me a bit about yourself?"

She blushed, and I smiled. We were on the third floor now. "What's there to tell?"

I sighed. "Oh come on. I know next to nothing about you. Tell me a bit about yourself."

"Like what?" she was looking decidedly uneasy.

"Your parents are both Muggles, aren't they?"

"Yeah."

"How did they take the fact that you were a witch?

"They… took it really well. They were really proud of me. But…" she stopped abruptly. There had been a tremor in her voice.

"I'm sorry. If you don't want to talk about it…" I was guilty and furious with myself. One chance. That's all I had. Lily looked at me. And kept looking. I was a bit uneasy. It was like she'd never seen me before. Finally she stopped.

"No… it's alright. My sister… Petunia… she… well she didn't like me being a witch. We don't talk any more. But I was so glad and happy when I got my letter. It was like I'd found my true identity. I always felt like I didn't really belong in the Muggle world. When I found out that I was a witch… that I would be learning magic…" her voice trailed off, but I knew from her sparkling green eyes what her words couldn't tell me. "I finally felt like I belonged somewhere…"

"I know," I whispered without realising what I'd said. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

"Pardon?" She was looking surprised. I blinked, and then shook my head.

"Nothing. Just muttering to myself." I smiled. "So, you're very good at charms?"

"Not as good as you are at Transfiguration."

I blushed. "I'm alright." She raised her eyebrow up, sceptically.

"Oh really?"

I laughed. "I dunno. I've always found Transfiguration really interesting. When you're interested in something, it's much easier to improve at." She nodded. "I mean, I'm extremely bad at Potions. I find it dull and boring. It's so… so bloody monotonous!" It was just my luck that Professor Flitwick was passing by at that exact moment.

"I thought I told you to watch your language Potter. This is a school."

"Sorry sir."

"I should hope you are." When he had passed, I leaned over once again towards Lily.

"That's the second time that's happened." There was a peal of laughter from her. My mind instantly likened it to bells ringing on a calm summer day. Can you blame me? I was in a romantic mood.

As we climbed a set of stairs and passed the mirror onto the fourth floor, I couldn't help saying: "There's a passage out of Hogwarts behind that mirror."

Lily, despite herself, was interested. "Oh really?" I nodded. "Where does it lead?"

"I… dunno, really. Never tried it. It's caved in anyway."

Lily looked sideways at me. "How do you know?"

I groaned inwardly at my lack of common sense. How could I explain to her about the Marauder's Map?

"Come on. I've told you about myself. Share some of your secrets." I could tell she was in high spirits. This was the longest I'd talked to her. So I told her about the Map. She was impressed.

"You made it all by yourself?"

"Well with Sirius and Remus and Peter. You didn't think that all we did was get up to trouble did you?" Her silence said it all. I laughed. "Well we didn't. We probably know more about this castle than any other person. Except maybe Filch and Dumbledore."

Lily was silent. I wondered why. "Can I see it sometimes?"

I thought only for one instant. "Absolutely." She smiled at me, warmth in her green eyes. I felt a shiver pass through my body. We were passing the library and I looked in. As I did so, I saw Remus sitting at a desk, engrossed in a huge book. I felt affection for my friend as he sat there, alone, totally unaware of his surroundings.

"Good old Remus," I murmured to myself, absent-mindedly. Lily followed my gaze as we walked past the library.

"Don't you want to say hello?"

I shook my head. "When Remus is busy with one of his books, it's best not to interrupt him."

Lily looked at me strangely. "You really care for each other don't you? You four?"

I looked back at her. "Completely. They're like my family. I'd do anything for them. And they'd do anything for me. What else are friends for?" I was totally earnest. I meant what I was saying.

She smiled, and there was a flicker in her expression as she looked at me. "To have that sort of friendship… I've never… never…" her expression was dazed as her voice trailed off. I could tell she was absent-minded.

"We'll have to see about changing that won't we Evans?" Lily grinned. I breathed a sigh of relief. Unconsciously and instinctively I'd called her by her surname. I was glad she hadn't been offended.

We passed the statues of Boris the Bewildered and Gregory the Smarmy on the fifth floor. As we came near the Prefect's bathroom, I asked Lily if she'd ever been in there.

"Quite often. When I used to be a prefect in the last two years, I used it quite regularly. Why? Have you?"

"Yes. Once. Remus told me the password."

Lily frowned and then sighed. "Well, did you like it?"

"It was wonderful. I loved it. But I didn't have the time to have hour long baths back in those days, what with homework and revision for the OWLs–"

"_You_ revised for the OWLs?" her tone was incredulous. I was hurt.

"Of course."

She quickly sobered. "Sorry… but it's just that I never saw you."

"Oh. Well I seldom did it in the common room. Sometimes I'd do it outside, in the library and in a few other places…" her eyebrow was raised again.

"Such as?" This time I couldn't help myself. It seemed the more I talked with her, the deeper I was being dragged under her spell. Her eyes, you see. I couldn't resist those eyes. When they looked so curiously at me, what could I… James Potter… do? So I told her off the passages leading to Hogsmede.

"So _that's_ where you used to go in the evenings when I couldn't find you."

I was curious. "You used to look for me?"

Lily blushed and looked away. "No… of course not. It's just that when you and Sirius weren't in the common room like all the other Gryffindors, I used to wonder…" her tone was unsteady and I could see her cheeks were crimson again. How I longed to run my fingers along those soft cheeks…

After walking a further few minutes, we were finally on the seventh floor. I couldn't help wondering: "This is a huge castle."

Lily nodded. "When I first came here, I'd never seen anything like it. And those moving staircases and ticklish doors… it was hard and confusing at first."

I suddenly had an idea. Hesitatingly, I turned to Lily and asked: "Lily… if you want… I could show you the castle… I mean the whole thing. From top to bottom. Every nook. Every cranny." Her eyes sparkled at the prospect.

"Yeah!" I don't think she realised what she was saying, because she said it really quickly, almost immediately. But then: "I don't… don't know. We shouldn't… if we get caught…"

I grabbed her hand. "Oh come on Lily. It'll be fun. Seriously. And I can show you a few shortcuts as well. It's taken us fifteen minutes to get from the grounds to here. I could tell you a way that would halve the time."

She looked at me doubtfully for a moment. I could almost see the cogs turning in her head. Finally: "Oh alright."

I let her hand go, and my heart beat faster. This was good! This was definitely good! She was beginning to trust and… like (I hoped) me. As we walked on, however, she asked me: "If you knew a way that would lessen the time it took for us to get here, why didn't you use that way?"

_Because I wanted to walk and talk with you as long as possible_, was the answer that came to my mind. But it wouldn't do to say that. So I simply said: "It must have slipped my mind. I'm sorry."

Lily looked sideways at me, her eyes twinkling mischievously, like she knew what I'd been thinking. But she didn't say anything because we'd reached the Gryffindor common room.


	4. 4

Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction is in no way connected with or endorsed by J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros and does not wish to make any sort of profit from this fanfiction. Ownership to characters in the Harry Potter books is neither claimed nor implied. All original content and material belongs to the author of this fanfiction and so therefore any reproduction of this text without the author's consent is prohibited.

Chapter 4

"So…" Sirius pressed.

"So…?" I replied.

"Well?" He asked.

"Well what!" I snapped.

There was a pause, and then: "You know…"

I'd had it. "If you want me to answer you, could you at least tell me what you're going on about?" I was angry – although Sirius wasn't the cause of my anger.

It was finished.

I had absolutely no chance now. Misery clouded me – my soul, my body, my conscience. How could I have done something so utterly foolish? How… how… how? I felt mutinous, and yet, the cause of my agony was none other than my own actions.

What, you must be wondering, am I talking about?

"Prongs… you know perfectly well what I'm talking about… how did it go…?"

I sighed. There really wasn't any point beating around the bush with Padfoot. He knew me as well as I knew him.

"The tour of Hogwarts was brilliant. Absolutely fantastic."

"And…?" He prompted.

"And… and…" I trailed off, a desperate edge to my voice. Sirius sighed and sat down next to me. We were in the common room, sitting in a corner.

Lily had been delighted at what I had showed her. Arriving back at the Gryffindor common room after hours of wandering systematically around the castle, we had started talking – and had sat there for hours and hours. I had left for the boys' dormitory reluctantly.

"Come on Prongs… out with it!"

"I've done something stupid." I was utterly furious with myself.

"Like?" Sirius' tone was amused. The times I'd said that to him…

"You don't want to know…" There must have been something in my voice, because he suddenly leaned closer, and said seriously:

"What's happened James?"

I gave up. There was no way he was going to leave me alone now. "It was great Padfoot. I showed her the castle, and she was so… so happy. I could tell. And I was happy as well – she's really easy to talk to once you know her…" I trailed off once again, thinking about Lily's soft, pealing laugh.

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem's me. I'm so stupid!" I groaned, furious with myself, and placed my head in my hands. And then I continued: "The next few days were one of the best ones in my life. She smiled at me whenever she saw me and even came to see me at Quidditch practise – although she was trying hard to blend into the crowd... I could tell… her hair… stood out a mile…" I smiled at her vivid red hair. "I was chuffed Padfoot. This was it. She'd given me a chance. I was absolutely certain that she'd let me go with her to Hogsmede." I paused for one second and sighed, lifting my head and looking at Sirius. "And then… three days ago I did something so incredibly stupid… so daft… I've got no chance now… she won't even look at me…"

"What did you do?"

Sighing once again, I leant back and grimaced, as I remembered my own stupidity. "Let me start at the beginning."

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"Ready?" I asked her, rubbing my hands together in anticipation of the cold that would surely pervade the corridors.

Wrapping a thick cloak around her slim frame and tucking her wand into her robes, she nodded at me, her green eyes intense in the semi-darkness that existed within the Gryffindor common room.

Patrol duty was the scourge of all of the Prefects at Hogwarts. There was absolutely no doubt about that! None of them wished to do it, as it carried on until about midnight, and these days, everyone was swamped with homework and revision. Of course, rather than feel reluctant, I always looked forward to the nights because Lily was with me. We didn't talk much, as each of us was quite tired, and usually just walked on in companionable silence, occasionally commenting on something or other.

This particular evening was no different. I had had Quidditch practise and was exhausted. All I could think about was going back to my warm bed in the boys' seventh year Gryffindor dormitory. Lily and I had been patrolling the corridors for about an hour and it was just past eleven o clock, and the chilliness of the winter was creeping along the passages and hallways of the giant castle. Pulling my own cloak tightly around me, I tucked my hands within the sleeves, and shivered slightly and forced my eyes and ears to be alert to any sound. It was true that with these new patrol rotas, more of the younger students were behaving themselves, but occasionally a lone straggler out to make trouble could be found. _Oh… if only I could catch Snape one of these days… I'd give him a ten-page essay on hygiene and bathing… like to see the look on his face then! _I thought amusingly to myself.

However, the quiet surrounded us like a thick blanket, and nothing apart from our footsteps and breathing could be heard. So naturally, having nothing to do, my full and whole attention turned towards my exquisite travel companion.

Lily was sweeping her gaze in front of her, her own arms within the sleeves of her cloak – like mine were – and I could see her eyes beginning to droop once or twice. I felt my heart twinge in sorrow at her tiredness, and I remembered that she had been going over a few high-level charms and advanced spells with Professor Flitwick well into the evening. _She must be exhausted as well,_ I thought to myself. So I leaned over to her, my lips close to her ear and whispered gently.

"Lily… if you want to go to bed you can go… I'll carry on…" She jumped out of her reverie, as I spoke and uttered a startled gasp. However, she calmed down immediately as she realised it was only me.

I could see her look at me. A feeling came into my stomach – like I was falling from a great height. I looked back. How on earth could I resist those unearthly eyes! They glittered in the darkness of the night – like deep pools of expression and thought – and I'm sure – even now – that I saw something flicker there… something almost like… affection? That was dangerous thinking though, so I turned my attention to what she was saying.

"It's alright. Not long now." She shook her head, looked at me once again – and then looked away almost as quickly – and started to walk again. A few tendrils of her hair – silhouetted against the gloom – gently stirring and I had an almost irresistible urge to go and gently brush them aside. I remained silent however, and continued walking, catching up with her easily, and in deep admiration of her inner strength.

Nothing more happened until the end of our shift – half an hour later – and we headed back towards the common room – rather quickly, if I may be allowed to say, because of the cold that was seeping through our cloaks.

"_Fortis Amor_," I murmured to the Fat Lady – who blinked sleepily and then swung inwards. I felt utterly exhausted and let out a breath of relief as the warmth of the common room washed over me. Allowing Lily to go ahead of me – it was instinctive – I sank onto a sofa near the flickering fire and stretched – feeling infinitely comfortable – in the wonderful heat of the common room. Looking around for Lily, I spotted her regarding me, her gaze sweeping over me. Feeling very self-conscious, I gave her a tired smile – which she returned.

"Come sit her for- for-" I had started to yawn – a huge, noisy affair and Lily laughed, but came and sat across from me all the same. How she looked at that moment is a sight which I shall never forget. She was tired I could tell that, by her eyes, by her weary smile, but unlike with elder women, her youth still shone through, making her look fresh and young. Her hair – red and fiery – was tied loosely behind her neck, but a few strands still hung on either side of her face, framing it and in stark contradiction to her light skin. Lily yawned as well – stretching her red and full lips, showing small and perfect teeth. She looked across at me, and I could see the smile in her striking eyes even before it had crossed her lips.

"Like to see people yawn, do you Potter?"

"Just you…" I whispered without thinking. A slight blush came to her cheeks, and I shook my head to ward off the thoughts that were entering my mind. I leaned back, and rested my head on the back of the sofa.

"Busy day?" I asked her yawning again. She nodded, rubbing her eyes.

"Yes… so much to do…" Lily looked at me again. I smiled and said:

"Well we've got the Christmas holidays to look forward to…"

A delighted look entered her eyes. And then, almost as suddenly, it left.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, the concern all too evident in my voice.

"Oh… nothing… just… well, are you going away for Christmas?"

I shook my head. She was surprised.

"Really?"

I shrugged. "Decided to stay… last year at Hogwarts… wanted to spend it with the Professors… you?"

Lily shook her head – rather sadly – and I was almost delighted at her answer. She was staying for Christmas… so was I…

"Why?"

"Hmmm?" She asked me absent-mindedly.

"Why aren't you going home?"

"Oh no reason… just thought I'd stay as well…"

I could tell she wasn't being totally honest, and as I looked at her, she bit her bottom lip and sighed. "Oh alright… it's… it's Petunia…"

"Your sister?"

Lily nodded. "Yeah… she's… she's threatened to leave if I come over for Christmas. It's her fiancé you see… she's invited him over for Christmas dinner to meet my parents, and she doesn't want me there."

Rage coursed through me. "You should still go!"

Lily smiled wistfully. "We have our differences – Petunia and I – but we're still sisters, and if my not going home for Christmas this year means so much to her, then I'll stay…"

I wanted to say something more – about what an idiot this Petunia was – but I kept quiet. It wasn't really any of my business.

"So?" I asked her, exactly like Sirius would ask me in a few days.

She looked up.

"Well?"

Her expression was still blank. I chuckled. "Going to get me anything for Christmas?" She smiled, relieved, and then a mischievous glint entered her eyes. "Maybe…"

"Maybe?" I spluttered in mock horror.

"Yeah… you know, I might get you a glove or something…" She was grinning.

"A _glove_… the girl wants to give me a glove…" I laughed.

"You?"

"Pardon?"

"Are you getting _me_ anything for Christmas?" I was falling in love with her grin. It was infectious.

"Maybe…" I said mysteriously, echoing her earlier words. She looked at me in humour, and then raised her right eyebrow.

"Oh… alright… you dragged it out of me… yes I am getting you something…" I winked at her, and wouldn't say anymore. Her curiosity was piqued, however, but I stayed quiet. Finally, after about another twenty minutes of talking, she said (yawning again):

"See you tomorrow James. I'm exhausted."

She stood up to leave, and that's when it happed. Lily stood up, and swayed on the spot as if she dizzy. She took a step forwards, stumbled, and fell back onto the sofa, moaning softly. For a split second, panic overtook me, but I fought it back down.

"Lily!" I hastily ran over and knelt beside her. I could tell that she was struggling to keep her eyes open. It pained me to see her like this. I gently eased her into a sitting position, and cupped my hand under her head, trying to keep it from rolling off the back of the sofa. "Lily!" She was moaning softly, one of her hands massaging her temples.

"… alright… just tired… that's all…" After a few minutes of tense silence, Lily finally recovered enough to open her eyes, and sit up by herself.

"You're working yourself too hard… look at you… you can barely stay sitting…" I was furious with myself for talking to her for the past half an hour. She should have gone straight to bed – all the things she was doing… they were too much. "You should have gone back when I asked you to." I said, a gentle reprimand in my voice, as I held one of her hands and squeezed it in reassurance. She looked delicate and fragile, and the temptation for me to hold her was nearly too strong, but I would never take advantage of her.

"You're doing too much work Lily. You should have come back here when I asked you!" My tone was serious, and she looked away, biting her bottom look, looking so vulnerable and innocent that I shivered.

"Didn't want to leave you…" she turned to look at me, a strange expression on her face, the tip of her tongue flitting around her lips. I could see the shadows that her thick and long eyelashes cast upon her soft cheeks, and the sight set my heart racing. Looking up at her, I saw her eyes taking me in.

And finally I snapped. Her eyes – reflecting the light from the flickering fire, her fiery hair – tendrils of which were about her face, her full, red lips parted ever so slightly… I, James Potter, a mere mortal, could not resist possibly resist this girl… this woman… who held my heart in the palm of her hand to do with as she saw fit. So I did what I had wanted to do for years – my motive was pure: I loved her. I knew this. Loved her with a passion that surprised even me. How on earth could I resist something so strong and beautiful and… and… untainted?

Leaning over, I gently cupped her chin, and brought my own lips to bear on her full ones. They were warm and moist and so soft that I was sure that nothing on this earth could be more yielding.

It was ecstasy. I suppose there was a bit of physical pleasure as well – the feeling in my stomach intensified manifold. But it was so much more – a gap was filled within me, a place in my being that I somehow knew was made for her.

I gently held her chin in one of my hands. The fingers of the other one were gently stroking her cheek – smooth and white and beautiful. I pulled her to me, and stood up, my arms around her body, her warmth making me feel as if there was nothing to worry about in the world. And I leaned against her, and it was like we melted into one. And she fit perfectly against me. Her small, slim frame easily fitting against my tall thin one. And still I held her… still I stroked one finger against her beautiful, soft skin. And still I kissed her, my desperation turning slowly into passion, lengthening into a deep outlet of the love I held for her – making it all the more stronger. And then… I realised what I was doing.

Breaking the kiss, I looked at her – her wonderful eyes, her reddened lips – and spoke in a desperate whisper:

"What have I done?"


	5. 5

Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction is in no way connected with or endorsed by J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros and does not wish to make any sort of profit from this fanfiction. Ownership to characters in the Harry Potter books is neither claimed nor implied. All original content and material belongs to the author of this fanfiction and so therefore any reproduction of this text without the author's consent is prohibited.

Chapter 5

There was a spot behind a huge oak tree, just by the lake, that no one ever thought to go to. It was there that I went in my misery. We had discovered it a few years ago when Remus had transformed and the rest of us were in our animagus forms. I had remembered it for later, and was now glad that I had. I needed to be alone.

So I settled there with my back against the huge tree, somewhat comforted by its huge weight, solidness and its ancient strength.

Several weeks had passed since I had told Sirius about my stupidity. He had shaken his head and looked with pity at me.

"Poor Prongs. That might work with some girls, James, but not with the likes of Lily. She's the sort of girl that likes everything done on her own terms. By the sounds of it you were getting along fine. You should have given it a few weeks, a month at most."

"Don't you think I know that? All I could think of was how tired she looked and next moment, before I could help myself, I kissed her. And she didn't even pull back, did she?" I had grumbled back.

Sirius had looked thoughtful. "That's a plus I suppose. She could have slapped you but she didn't. What exactly _did_ she do?"

So I told him.

After I had expressed my desperation in those four words - 'What have I done?' - Lily had stepped back, her eyes widened in shock. I felt utterly repulsed by myself. After all, I wasn't an over-eager, hormonal fifteen year old was I? I had some self-control. I shouldn't have done what I did.

"Lily-" I had called.

But she had uttered a small moan and had fled up the girls' seventh year dormitory, her fatigue of only moments ago forgotten.

I had stayed by the fireside for perhaps another hour – condemning myself for my weak self-control – before finally making my way up to my dormitory to spend the night tossing and tumbling, wide eyed at what I had done.

"Have you tried talking to her?" Sirius had asked.

I nodded, glumly.

"And?"

"And she can't bear the sight of me," I finished, which was pretty accurate. Lily had gone back to her old habit of failing to acknowledge my existence.

Sirius had tried to be gentle. He really had. But I knew that even he thought that there wasn't any way I had a chance now. "Don't worry, James," he had said. "She'll come around. The important thing to do is to give her some time and space. There's no point forcing your company on her, if she can't bear the sight of you. Don't worry, James. You're a great guy; I'm sure she'll see that. I'm sure of it." _Oh yeah? _I had thought. _Then why do you sound like you're not?_

Patrol duty at night had become a nightmare. It was too late to change the arrangements, and so I found myself walking the dark corridors with her by my side, silent as a spectre. As soon as we got to the common room, Lily - without so much as a backwards glance - fled up to her dormitory.

Don't think I didn't try talking to her. I did… every night. It's hard to talk to silence though.

I sighed, stood up, brushed my robes and started to make my way around the oak tree. There really wasn't any point wallowing in self-pity, I thought. The best thing to do was to try and get over her, and maybe find another girl.

_But,_ a calm voice - sounding uncannily like Remus' - said in my mind, _you don't want any other girl, do you James?_

Which, I admitted to myself, was the truth. But what could I do?

I made my way through the darkening grounds and up the front steps of Hogwarts. _Why won't she understand I'm sorry? _I wondered. But it was obvious. I had asked her for one chance. I had totally destroyed and wasted that one chance. It was rather self-explanatory.

I was brought out of my reverie when I crashed headfirst into a large object.

"Oof!" I gasped, totally winded. I had staggered back a few steps, and fought to regain my balance.

"Mr. Potter. I trust you are well?"

I looked up to survey the calm, kind eyes of Professor Dumbledore. He didn't appear to be ruffled in the least.

"Professor, I'm so sorry. I should have looked-"

Dumbledore held up his hand. "There is no need to apologise, Mr. Potter. However, a little caution in future would not go amiss." I could see a twinkle in his blue eyes.

I blushed in embarrassment. "Yes sir. I'm sorry."

He nodded and carried on his way. I trudged into the Great Hall, but suddenly:

"Mr. Potter?"

I paused and turned around to survey the Headmaster for the second times in as many minutes.

"Yes sir?"

"Give it some time, Mr. Potter?"

I was puzzled. "I beg your pardon, sir?"

Another mischievous twinkle entered his eyes. "Give it some time," he repeated, and then disappeared through the open door, before my open mouth could formulate a question.

The twinkle in his eye warned me that perhaps the Professor knew more than it appeared. Or maybe it was just his usual - slightly eccentric - ways, and he was giving me a random piece of advice?

Slightly disgruntled, I made my way up the stairs and strode down the corridor, once again deep in thought.

"Good evening, Potter."

"Good evening, Professor," I replied to Slughorn as he strode past me with a particularly jovial air.

Once again, however, I was stopped before I could proceed any further.

"Oh and Potter?"

I turned.

"Yes sir?"

He held out a parchment. "Give this to Miss Evans, will you? You're in the same house I believe?"

I was rather amazed that he didn't know the answer to that question. I had been at Hogwarts for _seven_ years! I was Head Boy! I was on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team! I had had more detentions than anyone else - excluding Sirius of course. How could he not know which house I was in? But then, I knew that Slughorn was concerned with only those pupils who held _honourable _places in The Slug Club. I sighed, nodded and took the parchment from his proffered hand.

"Good, good," and he walked on.

For one moment, the more curious side of me tempted me to open the parchment and see what was in it. I could easily make it look like nobody had opened it after I'd read it, but I decided it was indecent to do so, and so I made my way towards the common room to see if Lily was there.

"Felix Felicis," I muttered and the Fat Lady swung in. I clambered through and cast my eyes around the room. She wasn't there.

"Oi James!" I could hear Peter shout from across the room.

I mouthed "later" and exited the room moments after I'd entered it.

"What was the point of going in?" the Fat Lady mumbled, even though it was only eight o'clock.

I paused at the end of the corridor. Where could she be?

It was in the library I found her. For a moment, I stood at the door and looked at her, sitting a few metres away, with her back to me. She was bent over some book, her red air falling to curtain her face like a cloth. I could see one slender finger tracing a line across the book, and could hear her gently whispering something to herself. It was a moment before I realised that I was holding the parchment rather tightly and that perhaps I should make my presence known.

I cleared my throat. She remained where she was, but I received an angry look from Madam Pince - the librarian. I walked a few steps forward, rather nervous, and gently tapped Lily on the shoulder.

She turned to see who it was. I stopped myself looking at her crimson lips which were slightly apart.

"Lily, I-"

Madam Pince hissed across the room: "Shhh!"

I sighed. Some people never changed.

I held up the parchment and pointed a finger towards the door. Lily frowned, not looking at me. After a moment, she sighed and strode towards the door, letting me follow like a dog.

I found her waiting outside the door, her arms crossed, leaning against the wall.

"What?" she asked, the impatience all too evident in her voice. She was still not looking at me, but was instead observing her shoes. Her lashes cast shadows on her cheeks, and in the semi-darkness, her green eyes glittered.

I cleared my throat, and held my trembling hand out with the parchment clasped in it. "Professor Slughorn asked me to give this to you."

She reached out, hesitated and then quickly took the roll of paper from me, trying to avoid touching me. However, her fingers brushed my hand. I felt a tingle in my arm. I could feel my heart quickening. For the first time that evening, she raised her eyes and looked straight at me, and I truly appreciated her beauty. I imagined her heart was beating faster as well. As I looked, two patches of colour rose in her cheeks, which combined with her glittering eyes, gave her an animated, excited look.

My traitorous heart wanted me to step forward and pull her to me again, but I resisted the formidable temptation. It was a tense moment to be sure. I could see her biting her lower lip, reddening it further, and I gulped as another pang of desire swept through me. _She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!_ I thought feverishly.

I could feel that she was wrestling with a decision.

Before I could stop myself, my mouth opened. "Lily," I whispered. "Forgive me Lily. Please forgive me." It was totally sincere. There was nothing unreal or forced about my plea. "I'm sorry." My heart bled. It was the truth.

And for an instant, I imagined that she would step forward and put her arms around me. I imagined she would comfort me and reassure me that I was forgiven. How mistaken I was.

She drew in a breath. "Leave me alone, Potter. Go away."

The fact that she used my surname - her old name for me - hurt me more than anything else could. I held out a trembling hand – which she ignored. "Won't you forgive me?"

She shook her head, delicate wisps of her hair stirring.

"Why?" I asked desperately.

"Because it doesn't make any difference to you."

"What are you saying?"

I could see her swallow, and there was a glimmer of tears in her eyes.

She spoke quietly, with emotion behind her voice. "Everything you ever do has a double-meaning to it, Potter. I thought you genuinely wanted to be my friend. I should have known that James Potter was incapable of seeing any girl as a friend. You thought you'd be nice to me for a few weeks and I would fall into your arms and be willing to... to..." her voice trembled slightly.

"No. You have it all wrong Lily, you really do. I was sincere. I _am_ sincere. It was a mistake Lily. A stupid mistake."

She shook her head, brushing aside a tear. "How can you expect me to believe you?"

I stepped forward. "Look into my eyes, Lily. Look into them and you'll see I'm telling the truth. I didn't mean for it to happen. I was tired. So were you. And it just... just... happened..."

I could tell it was hopeless. Something flickered in her large, emerald eyes but she shook her head.

"The problem is, Potter, that if I give you a second chance, I'll end up getting hurt again."

She turned to go.

I reached out and caught her arm. "You won't. I could never hurt you."

"But you did Potter. You broke my trust."

She twisted her arm out of grasp and started walking through the library door.

"Lily," I whispered. Somehow she heard, and she stopped - despite herself, I could tell.

I put my hand to my heart. "If you go Lily... I can't... be without you." I could hear the tremble in my voice.

She looked at me – and again something flickered in her eyes – but hurriedly wiping another tear from her face she stepped through to the library.

I sank to the floor, leaning on the wall, and put my head in my hands.

_Give it time, _Dumbledore had said.

I felt that there really wasn't any hope. I could give her all the time in the world, and she would never forgive me.

I finally understood why some people who are in love decide to end their lives - it would, after all, be better to end it all, stop all the pain, then to live on in torture, agony and heartache.

I got up and slowly walked along the corridor, brushing the hair from my eyes, and pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose.

As I was walking, I saw Snape coming in the opposite direction. He hadn't noticed me; his nose was in a book. Probably about the Dark Arts I thought. I was tired tonight.

I kept my wand in my robes, clutching it tightly in case he tried anything. As I neared, Snape I looked at him warily. He still hadn't noticed me. His hair was covering his pale face, but I could still see the glitter of his dark eyes through the strands of his black hair. He moved noiselessly, even while reading. We passed each other without incidence. I wasn't even sure he knew that it was I who had passed him.

A year ago, I wouldn't have lost the chance to curse or hex him. In fact, I would have done it to cheer myself up. But I had changed. She had changed me. And she was denying me that thing I most wanted: herself. I needed her to be a better person.

I slept straight through the night and into the morning. I woke up in the Hospital Wing, feeling absolutely dreadful and weak.

It was just before supper when she came.

That day was to change my life forever.


	6. 6

Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction is in no way connected with or endorsed by J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books, Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros and does not wish to make any sort of profit from this fanfiction. Ownership to characters in the Harry Potter books is neither claimed nor implied. All original content and material belongs to the author of this fanfiction and so therefore any reproduction of this text without the author's consent is prohibited.

Chapter 6

_"... surpassing any previous records. The young wizard - born in France - has managed to score more goals than any other Quidditch player. He is also particularly adept at the Na Pleu Feint - having invented it himself. This difficult tactic involves confusing the Keeper for a sufficient length of time to slip the Quaffle past him or her. However, many good Keepers are able to recognise the Feint moments before it is performed by the necessary listing of the Chaser's broom towards the ground and the desired hoop. What makes the Feint particularly ingenious, however, is that-"_

I stopped reading, and rubbed my eyes. I knew this book back to front, having read it so many times. Yawning I put it to one side and stretched my arms.

I didn't feel like reading. In fact, I didn't feel like doing anything. All I wanted to do was curl up beneath the covers and be left alone.

I heard the Hospital Wing door open, but remained below the covers. If it was Madam Pomfrey, my pretending to be asleep wouldn't do any good. But if it was someone else, I was sure they would take the hint and leave me. So I stayed where I was for a few minutes, and though I didn't hear the door again, I decided that whoever it was must have left.

So I pushed the covers aside, raised my head and looked around me.

I was startled to see someone standing only a few metres away. It was a moment before I realised who it was, and so I quickly scrambled up in bed and made sure I wasn't too dishevelled. I tried to straighten my hair, but it was an impossible task. It wouldn't lie still.

"Hello Lily."

She was looking down towards the floor, hands curled into small fists in front of her. There was silence for a moment. I didn't know what to say. After all, I had said everything yesterday night; there wasn't anything left to express.

"I... James..." she whispered, biting her lower lip, looking so vulnerable and innocent that I couldn't look away.

And finally, she raised here eyes. Those exquisite, emerald eyes - the stuff of my dreams and desires. She raised them and looked straight at me. And before I could say anything, she had run forward towards me and was standing so near to the bed that I could feel her breath over my face.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, anxiety obvious in her voice.

"I... I'm fine," I murmured.

"I heard this morning that you were... were..." her lower lip trembled.

"Lily...?" My tone was inquiring, curious.

"Was it because of me?" she asked.

"No… I just didn't feel too well." I reassured. My voice however, betrayed the truth.

She moaned gently, and before I could register anything else, she had thrown herself on the bed.

"Oof!" I gasped, as for the second time in as many days, I had the air knocked out of me.

"Sorry," she breathed, her head nestled in my shoulder.

I didn't know what to do. I barely moved. If I wrapped my arms around her, maybe she would react like she had done that fateful night when I had kissed her? And if one thing led to another, I knew I was finished. So for the moment, I didn't move a muscle.

She must have sensed my tense body because she whispered: "What's the matter, James?"

Hearing her say my name made a wave of warmth sweep through me. _Give it time... _Dumbledore had said. As usual, he had been right.

"Lily... have you... I mean..." I trailed off hopelessly.

She looked up at me, her face inches from my own. I could see myself reflected in her large eyes; myself appearing wide-eyed and delighted. I could feel her breath wash over my face. Moist and warm. Sweet smelling. Close up, I could tell that she was as close to perfect as it was possible to be. There wasn't a blemish or a scar on her face. Her lips were soft and crimson. I imagined that she never more any makeup. She didn't need to.

And I imagined how I must look to her. Tired, untidy - my hair a mess. I imagined she must be repulsed by my appearance; by my glasses, and the single scar I had on my left cheek because of a Quidditch accident. I was sure she could feel my heart thumping through the thin bed covers. I could feel hers. I could feel the warmth from her body as well.

I wondered how we would look at that moment if someone were to walk in. There was me, beneath the covers, with this delightful girl half-sitting, half-lying beside me and on top of me. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I was brought out of my reverie when she touched a finger to my face. She traced its outline, the eyebrows, the lips. Every contact sent shivers up and down my spine. My breathing became faster.

And finally - after realising the inquiring look in my eyes - she spoke. "James, I'm sorry." Her voice was barely, audible, a gentle whispering murmur.

I was puzzled. "What for? I should be the one saying sorry."

She shook her head. "No."

There was a silence for a moment.

"Can I hold you Lily?" I whispered.

She smiled, a dimple appearing on the left side of her lips. A blush arose on her cheek, and she lowered her eyes again, biting her lower lip, reddening it further. I gulped. She nodded.

Without further ado, I put my arms around her and held her tightly, burying my head in the mane of her red hair. I inhaled deeply, wanting to drink her sweet scent.

It was bliss. I felt content. I could feel her heart, reassuringly regular, beating against mine.

"I'm sorry James," she repeated, her voice muffled again.

I remained silent, gently stroking her back.

"I'm... I'm scared James. I'm scared of making friends."

I nodded. "I know."

She paused. "You do"

"Yes. You feel scared of getting too close to a person. You're afraid you'll get hurt."  
I could feel her nod. "It's true. All my life, I've always been walking alone. I never realised how having a true friend was like."

"Lily, you're an amazing person. You shouldn't feel worried about friends hurting you. Whoever hurt you would have to be mental!" There was an indignant tone in my voice, and I imagined that she smiled.

"The last few weeks have been amazing James. But you shouldn't have done what you did. It was too soon."

I felt sad. This was it. She would tell me that we could only be friends. I breathed to calm myself. It was better to be just her friend than to be ignored by her, I thought.

"I know I shouldn't have done it Lily. I felt like an idiot afterwards. But... I couldn't help myself..." My voice trailed off.

"Why?"

"Because, Miss Evans..." I lowered my head and brought my lips to her ears. "You are the most wonderful woman I have _ever_ met and will ever meet."

She raised her head and looked at me again. I could feel her eyes gazing into mine, probing my face.

"It's true," I said, smiling gently. "I saw you sway and I felt... panic that something might be happening to you. So I rushed towards you and before I could think about what I was doing, something snapped, and... and I found myself just.. you know."

She was still looking at me, and I saw something flicker in her eyes.

"What are you thinking of Lily?" I asked, looking at her anxiously.

"I'm thinking why."

"Why what?"

"Why when I look at you I feel something strange. Something I've never felt before," she was absent-minded, murmuring - it seemed - almost to herself.

"Perhaps it's because I'm the most handsome person you've ever seen?" I asked teasingly, raising an eyebrow.

She smiled again. "Perhaps," she replied with equal levity.

I brought my face closer to hers, until our noses were perhaps half an inch apart. Raising a hand, I gently brushed aside a soft strand of hair, and muttered: "And admit it. That was the best kiss you ever had."

For a moment, something clouded her expression, and I was alarmed that I had said something wrong. But only a moment later, that genuine smile returned to her face.

"Perhaps," she repeated, almost seductively, flushing gently.

I raised my eyebrow again. "Why Miss Evans... one could almost imagine you were blushing."

The colour in her cheeks deepened. Being this close to her, I could see a faint freckle - almost invisible - on the exact centre of her nose.

And before I knew what was happening, she had raised her face and her lips met mine. There was an explosion of delight in my navel; I felt shivers travelling throughout my body. Goosebumps rose on my arms, but almost instantly went away.

This was better than it had been before. This was a hundred times better, because I knew that this time, she wanted it. She had started it.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I held her in my arms, and traced one finger down her cheek and I met her advances with fervour many times her own. Oh, for how long I had wanted this!

Truth be told, I didn't want to let her go... ever. She was safe in my arms. I would die - quite willingly - before letting any harm befall her, and I didn't want her to leave. Besides, where else was her place if not by my side or in my arms. I didn't want the soft - yet firm at the same time - contact of our lips to end.

I could feel her breath on my nose; one hand on my neck - the other on my chest, twisting the fabric of my nightshirt with one slender finger.

Her heart was beating faster and the colour in her face had become deeper as well. I could feel the wonderful heat from her radiating over me. She pulled me to her, gently pushing her tongue into my mouth. I met her willingly; our tongues gently touching each other - twisting, sliding, curling. It was passionate; I shall give you that, but not out of control. She tasted almost like strawberries. It was gentle, it was seductive, it was... love.

I don't know what might have happened if we hadn't heard the approaching footsteps. Because it was rather obvious we both wanted more. I held her hand beneath the covers as we turned together to face Madam Pomfrey.

"Stopped pretending to be asleep, Potter?"

I cleared my throat in embarrassment.

"I'll keep you one more night to see if anything happens, but I think you're fine. It's just stress and weariness getting to you. Eat a slice of chocolate every hour and I won't get angry." With that she went away.

I felt a deep longing to embrace Lily again, and judging by her flushed look, I guessed she wanted the same, but now wasn't the time. We were lucky that nobody had seen us.

She turned towards me again.

"So I take it you have forgiven me?" I whispered.

She laughed softly. "I suppose I have James. Why? Couldn't live without me?"

I sobered. "No I can't."

She squeezed my hand.

"What made you change your mind?" I asked.

There was a twinkle in her eyes that reminded me strangely of Dumbledore. "That information, Potter, is for me to know and you to not. Let's just say that I decided that you were telling the truth after all. I realised that you _had_ changed."

I sighed in relief, much more happy than I could ever have anticipated.

"So what are we Lily? Friends...?" I asked gently, leaving the second half of the question unsaid. We both knew what it was. _Friends... or more_

She thought for a while. "Friends, James. Maybe more - definitely more, but I need time."

I nodded. "Of course, whatever you say."

Lily smiled again. She leaned down and looked me in the eyes. "Don't ever hurt me James."

I knelt up on my bed - so I was at the same level as her - and held her face in my hands, gently, caressing her with my fingers. "I won't, Lily… I can't."

FIN


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